Onye Narcissist na ndụ gị? Oh S..t!

“The sadistic narcissist perceives himself as Godlike, ruthless and devoid of scruples, capricious and unfathomable, emotion-less and non-sexual, omniscient, omnipotent and omni-present, a plague, a devastation, an inescapable verdict.” ― Sam Vaknin (Israeli writer and professor of psychology)

Know One When You See One

The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders defines narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) as:

• A condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance
• Belief they are superior to others
• Believe they are entitled
• Strong need for admiration
• Extreme self-confidence
• Willingness to exploit others for personal ends
• Demonstrate hostility toward those who challenge them

The Cleveland Clinic has determined that up to 5 percent of the population has NPD and narcissism is one of the top 10 personality disorders in the United States. Other research suggests that 17-20 percent of the population has NPD.  It is important to note that reported data may be inaccurate because narcissists rarely seek treatment as they see themselves as perfect.

Beware of the Danger

According to psychologist, Dr. Sanam Hafeez, there are four types of narcissists:

1. Grandiose narcissist: Arrogant, attention seeking, entitled, jealous of others
2. Malignant narcissist: Lashes out or violates other people to boost their fragile ego
3. Covert/vulnerable narcissist: Deeply self-absorbed with a strong victimization feeling; will never take ownership of their mistakes; blames the world for their failures
4. Communal narcissist: Person receives validation from community-related aspects of life; social media filled with photos of them at charity events and galas; great deeds pictures for the world must be shown as it stimulates their ego

Adọrọ Mmasị

Males in Front

It is estimated that 7.7 percent of men have NPD and research finds that they are attracted to a certain type of woman. She is attractive and may be outwardly successful but perhaps a bit insecure as she is likely to be viewed as an accessory. He looks for women who are beautiful and accomplished, not because they like the person, but because her appearance and accomplishments fuel his ego. It is important to note that the woman cannot be too confident because he wants to run the show. When he senses a strong sense of assurance, he will back away.

In general, the narcissist looks for a People Pleaser, someone who will provide him with constant attention and emotional validation – at any cost. Psychotherapist Karen Koenig finds that individuals who attract narcissists are unlikely to have a strong sense of who they are and what they want because they don’t believe it’s okay to take care of their own needs.

When engaged in a relationship with a narcissist, the conversation will always be about them! When the seduction is over the narcissist will be quick to criticize and demean the person if she/he expresses any sort of resistance to his needs and forgets to put HIM first, at the very top of the to-do list.

Want to attract a narcissist? Avoid conflict. A narcissist will never compromise and monopolizes relationships. Body language expert and author, Patti Wood, finds that narcissists prefer a person who is high in cooperation; a person who gives in easily to the wishes/demands of others and will do just about anything to avoid conflict (think doormat).

Njehie?

Narcissists never take responsibility for any negative events in their own lives. They will play the victim when things do not go their way, blaming anyone and everyone. If you join in the chorus of blaming others, you will find the narcissist as your new BFF.

Narcissists in leadership positions can be dangerous as they have the ability as well as the interest in putting people and institutions at risk. These people are not team builders and are willing to exploit others for personal gain. Challenge them on any point or process and they will respond with hostility and can be extremely aggressive. Their world view? Other human beings are either acolytes or enemies. In reality, the majority of people who actually make it to the top are quite self-serving and Machiavellian, focused on spending their time securing their position and income rather than putting the organizations interests before their own.

One of the many problems associated with dealing with narcissistic leaders/bosses or a spouse is that a person with NPD has very high levels of extraversion and because they are sociable and appear to be action oriented, it is easy (almost too easy) to slide into their swamp. Verbally agile and smooth-talking they act as magnets for their psychological counterparts… those whose deepest need is to idealize and admire others.

LOVE BOMB

Narcissists have an incredible ability to “love bomb” at the beginning of the relationship, appearing to be on your wave length; however, their primary objective is their own self-interest. They have a low need for intimacy and as their self-confidence increases, they feel justified in ignoring the advice of others, and aggressively take more and greater risks. They believe they are more creative, competent and intelligent than anyone else and find joy in manipulating others for their own ends.

Run Toward Risk

Just as firefighters and police officers are trained to run toward danger, narcissists will frequently create risk, bringing themselves and/or their organizations to financial bankruptcy.  In their own minds narcissists believe that because they are more creative, competent and intelligent than others, they can behave in unethical ways, and entitled to get away unscathed. They truly believe that because of their superiority, they can solve intractable problems and change the world; therefore, they should be recognized as superior, with superhero traits, including intelligence, dominance, and emotional stability. Unfortunately for them (and us), these feelings are not validated by objective levels of intelligence or competence and their behavior is associated with greater risk-taking but not better performance.

In Greek mythology. Sisyphus believed that he could outsmart the gods. He was found guilty of hubris and condemned to spend eternity rolling a boulder up a hill. Each time the boulder would near the summit, it would roll back down and Sisyphus would then be forced to repeat his task.

NPDs are frequently consumed with resentment and become petulant, aggressive, unhinged, ranting at their staff and abusing their reports. Unfortunately for the rest of us, they are frequently selected to lead an organization in times of turmoil as they have the ability to declare that they have a solution and appear to be the only confident individual in times of chaos and confusion. They excel at creating an emotional bond with those who were looking for a strong leader and would easily follow anyone they considered a savior.  The outcome? A “leader” in manic overdrive, making risky, high stakes decisions at an impressive speed, rarely taking into account the human, economic, political or environmental costs of their decisions.

When rated by their non-narcissistic counterparts they are rated as less than competent. To make matters even worse, divergent voices are silenced, cynicism and apathy corrode any sense of shared purpose in a culture, turning a can-do, cooperative spirit into a selfish, self-serving environment and in an extreme, destroying the institution itself. Self-serving, unethical behavior at the top cascades through the organization and becomes legitimized or at least normalized.

Mara anya

Narcissists make wonderful first impressions and this enables them to access high status positions. They have an uncanny ability to Impress evaluators in job interviews by promoting their accomplishments in confident, charming and charismatic ways, enabling them to have a key gateway and might explain why they are disproportionally represented in the highest-level roles as CEO and POTUS. During the first encounter they are likely to offer a promise of a better future. They can be charming, humorous, initially humble. They will flatter superiors and are apparently effective at managing upward.

Over time, negative attributes emerge as their excessive self-confidence makes them unwilling to take advice and listen to others preferring to rely on their own judgment. Their belief in their own excellence makes them unwilling to listen to experts. They are impulsive, taking risks without careful due diligence, imperiling organizations they lead and they may, in fact, create opportunities to demonstrate their own superiority. If the narcissist cannot be changed quickly – the only way to deal with him is to apparently let him have his way until he can be replaced.

Be careful about sharing your ideas as a narcissist will take credit for your accomplishments, often at the cost of the relationship. A person with NPD is likely to lie, cheat and steal – all for their own benefit and not fearful about engaging in litigation and fraud. Some who ultimately reach power positions may start with the desire to benefit both self and others; however, once they are at the top, and power’s addictive quality kicks in, their major goal is to secure their position at any cost.

Oke ọnụ

Narcissists are very effective at organizational politics and will recruit and promote others who may be less experienced or competent but will be loyal, as the person with NPD values loyalty over expertise. Rewards and recognition go to those who reinforce the NPD and punish those who do not. Gravest danger? Their malignant influence guides the behavior and expectation of others and ultimately shapes the culture of the organization or polity in their own image. Once in power, narcissists consolidate their position by firing everyone who challenges them. In their place there is a plague of toadies, opportunists, and enablers equally guided by self-interest and short on scruples.

Don’t wrestle with a pig. The pig likes it and you get dirty

Narcissism starts very early in life and exists on a spectrum. It is our motor to achievement, giving us the belief that our actions will lead to success. Parents either failed to instill the narcissist with a healthy sense of self-esteem, or overdid it by praising when praise was not due…so they embark on a lifelong search for confirmation of how great and special they are.

Excellent at reading the emotional undercurrent of their environment they use their understanding to further their agenda. Followers – ready to engage in hero worship, unrealistically overestimate the other’s desirable qualities and underestimate their own limitations, becoming the narcissist’s perfect prey creating an emotional bond that can become so strong that followers will be willing to do almost anything to please them and sometimes overstep the limits of law and decency.

No matter how hard you try, a narcissist will NEVER say:

• I’m truly sorry
• I was mistaken … you are correct
• I was wrong … please forgive me

SELF HELP

Enweghị Ụzọ Ọpụpụ

If preserving the relationship is important, tread softly. If you point out their hurtful or dysfunctional behavior you are damaging their self-image of perfection. Need to send a message? Present it calmly, respectfully, and gently. Focus on how their behavior makes you feel rather than on their motivations and intentions. If they respond with anger and defensiveness try to remain tranquil; walk away and revisit the conversation at a later time. Set boundaries and do not back down as the narcissist will rebel and test your limits. If you back down you are sending the message that you do not have to be taken seriously.

They do not live in reality and that includes their views of other people. Do not argue with a narcissist. No matter how rational you are or how sound your argument, they are unlikely to hear you. Simply state you disagree and move on. Let go of the need for their approval. Detach from their opinion and any desire to please or appease them at the expense of yourself. No one can win a fight with a narcissist so clashing head-on is only an option if there is a decision to move the NPD out of his position.

The Language of the Narcissist

Stage 1. – Idealization

“You are so kind, creative, smart and perfect.”

Stage 2.  Devaluation stage.

You are hooked. They show their true self and insults and put-downs begin                         

“You are dumb, but I love you.”

“You are too sensitive.”

“You are so insecure.”

“You need to stop being so selfish/careless/busy with other people.”

“You know I’m smarter. You know I know more about this than you.”

Stage 3. Discard stage.

It will only get worse. Now is the time to turn and run away, far and fast.

‘You’re a bad person.”

“Nobody else will ever love/appreciate/admire/hire you.”

“I’m the best you’ll ever have.”

“Have fun being alone for the rest of your life.”

“You did this to yourself.”

What to say to a narcissist

If you are trying (or must) engage in a conversation with a narcissist:

1. Your anger is NOT my responsibility.
2. I cannot control how you feel about me.
3. I hear what you are saying.
4. I am sorry you feel that way.
5. We both have a right to our own opinions.
6. I can accept how you feel.
7. I do not like how you are speaking to me so I will not engage.
8. I am not going to argue anymore.
9. I am capable of doing what I want regardless of what you think.
10. Aghọtara m.
11. We can agree to disagree.
12. I see where you are coming from.
13. I want to share how I feel.
14. Your perception is interesting.
15. Can we aim to be respectful in our conversation?

Know When to Leave

Ready for the truth? Narcissist win(!)… seemingly all the time, at almost everything. Abused by a narcissist and looking for the karma police to intervene? Waste of time. Why? Narcissists win because they are the ones who made it a competition in the first place. Normal people consider others in the office/relationship as a colleague, friend, companion or equal.

The narcissist believes in “conquering,” with friends, family, lovers viewed as opponents. Co-workers, bosses and employees are all competition. Frequently others are not even aware they hare in a narcissist inspired contest until it is too late. By the time the game becomes obvious the narcissist has already smeared the other person’s credibility and making off with the “goodies” (i.e., esteem, fame, money, glory). The narcissist declares himself the winner and everyone else a loser – even before the loser realizes he/she was a pawn.

As a reminder, “Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.” — Frank Leahy